I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Your pregnant is the only AprilFool joke you women got? Find a new joke cause that been played out years ago — Deon Crockett Copy Share Image
My penis should make me breakfast on morning. It is always up before I am. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate those movies where hundreds of people get blown up and there are jokes afterward. They poison the soul. — Rob Reiner Copy Share Image
For jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Our country's social revolution lends itself to jokes and I use them. — Nipsey Russell Copy Share Image
If life a joke then I’m waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I’m bout the bun. — Mac Miller Copy Share Image
When I do comedy, my brain sort of locks up in the infinite possibilities. That's where I get sort of lost. I… — Ryan Reynolds Copy Share Image
I love jokes as much as anyone, but I don't want to hear my snail jokes every day. But I might want… — Neil Peart Copy Share Image
People are attracted to entertainment, for sure, or jokes, excitement and romantically heightened stories that might be false, but are still attractive… — Bennett Miller Copy Share Image
Everybody jokes about that old story about the world only needing five computers, but when you think about it, that's where we're… — Matt Mullenweg Copy Share Image
I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in… — Samantha Bee Copy Share Image
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about… — Iliza Shlesinger Copy Share Image
People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I don't laugh so much at jokes and premises as I do at a guy who goes onstage and starts twitching and… — Harland Williams Copy Share Image
It is of first-rate importance to notice from the start that stupidity is not the same thing, or the same sort of… — Gilbert Ryle Copy Share Image
I remember the first joke that I made, which went over terribly. I was at my cousin's birthday party in Brooklyn. I… — Zach Woods Copy Share Image
No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that… — Meghan Daum Copy Share Image
I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that… — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
What you never want to do is have a story that doesn't track emotionally, because then you're going joke to joke and… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
When I was 13 and 14, there were a lot of jokes about my bar mitzvah and my grandparents, and then when… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
People really do identify with the characters they see on the show, but these days, social media allows you to interact with… — Chris Carmack Copy Share Image
When I first started doing my stand-up act, I played the banjo, did comedy, magic tricks, juggled, read poetry. I stuck it… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
