If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Many things have been written, including by me, linking humor and pain. Mostly, in my case, the humor part keeps me sane.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The problem was that Panama technically belonged to Colombia, which refused to sign a treaty leasing it to the United States. So… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
