“Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It's the closest they'll ever get… — Drew Magary Copy Share Image
“If this had been a public-school locker room, there would have been some gray jumbo-sized garbage cans nearby, and I probably could've… — James Ponti Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
“The Super Constellations took three days to reach London [from Australia] and lacked the power or range to dodge most storms. When… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
Seriousness is the refuge of the shallow. There are events and personal experiences that call forth seriousness but they are fewer than… — Rita Mae Brown Copy Share Image
“ Résumé Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells… — Dorothy Parker Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn".… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Nobody think about that broken heart... life goes on, broken heart never join together but it tries very hard to get joined… — Shahid Islam Copy Share Image
My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree… — Frank Zappa Copy Share Image
“Here.” He spread his legs wider and patted the floor between them. “You’ll be warmer, and I promise I won’t grope you… — Meg Maguire Copy Share Image
We've progressed well beyond the four humors in the two thousand-odd years since Hippocrates, but we still haven't satisfied the urge to… — Maria Konnikova Copy Share Image
I'm going to keep doing the comedy and the art that I do. I'm going to keep uplifting marginalized voices, and I… — Phoebe Robinson Copy Share Image
“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I was really putting a lot of pressure on this beer prop; it was going to distract me enough so that I… — Jessica Fortunato Copy Share Image
“As rain began to fall, Aldric worried the old machines would not be able to survive the weather. "Hand me that oil… — Jason Hightman Copy Share Image
“The case was becoming serious. It was now past midnight. The hotels at Shiplake and Henley would be crammed; and we could… — Jerome K. Jerome Copy Share Image
We had a Judeo-Christian ethic hanging around a couple thousand years that didn't help erase racism at all. So the notion of… — Norman Lear Copy Share Image
“The only thing I remember about him now is that he shaved his legs. I was surprised at how much I dug… — Tiffanie DeBartolo Copy Share Image
“... the story of my marriage, which is the great joy and astonishment of my life, is too much like a fairy… — Ann Patchett Copy Share Image
“Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and… — Joe Abercrombie Copy Share Image
My favorite work is The Full Monty because I got an Oscar for it. But it was really hard work at the… — Anne Dudley Copy Share Image
I'm happy to try any genre, from drama to comedy and anything in between. Although, to be fair, for most of my… — Chris Pratt Copy Share Image
“Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That… — J.A. Saare Copy Share Image
“A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which you realize that you are trapped in a world almost… — Gene Weingarten Copy Share Image
“Ellen rose to her feet. Jack thought for a moment she was going to storm out. Instead, she picked up the pitcher… — Cinda Williams Chima Copy Share Image
I believe in irony. And if V-Day has taught me anything, it's that if you go out with artistic, outrageous irony and… — Eve Ensler Copy Share Image
It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humor, since it is a more significant process of mind… — Edward de Bono Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be a comedian. I loved comedy since I was a little kid, and while I was at university… — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
“True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he… — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
“Since moving to Valhalla, I'd learned an impressive number of Old Norse cusswords. Meinfretr translated as something like stinkfart, which was, naturally,… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
“As recently as 1950, the Scottish pathologist John Glaister included in his text the tale of a man "who was apprehended after… — E.J. Wagner Copy Share Image
But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for… — Bob Newhart Copy Share Image
“Establishing dominance early in the relationship is key. Vampire children are like human children in that they can sense weakness. They will… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“Everyone, no matter what kind of job he or she has, fantasizes about freaking out at work. How many corporate drones, stuck… — Steve Dublanica Copy Share Image
I thought if I could do stand-up comedy well enough, I could parlay it back into films - like Charlie Chaplin and… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I couldn't find any straw to step upon, so I stepped upon more men. The resentment increased, so did my forward movement.… — Jack London Copy Share Image
My TV comedy idols are the Charles brothers, who did 'Cheers;' Larry Gelbart, who did 'MASH;' and Larry David, who did 'Seinfeld.'… — Dan Schneider Copy Share Image
“To begin perfect happiness at the respective ages of twenty-six and eighteen, is to do pretty well; and professing myself moreover convinced,… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
![“The Super Constellations took three days to reach London [from Australia] and lacked the power or range to dodge most storms. When monsoons or cyclones were encountered, the pilots had no choice but to put on the seat belt signs and bounce through them. Even in normal conditions they flew at a…” quote by Bill Bryson](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/854/bill-bryson-340_flew_the-super-constellations-took-three-days_2266718.jpg)
