You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I still think of myself as a newspaper guy and you live by deadlines in the newspaper world, so, they don't really… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When preparing your return, you should be sure to avoid common mistakes. The two most common taxpayer mistakes, states the IRS booklet,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton, who, to his credit, has established a clear and consistent foreign policy, which is as follows: Whenever the president of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
