Funny Quotes by Mike Birbiglia

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

— Mike Birbiglia

I'm a compulsive everything.

— Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

— Mike Birbiglia

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

— Mike Birbiglia

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

— Mike Birbiglia

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

— Mike Birbiglia

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

— Mike Birbiglia

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

— Mike Birbiglia

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.

— Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should…

— Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz.…

— Mike Birbiglia

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a…

— Mike Birbiglia

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal'…

— Mike Birbiglia

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No...…

— Mike Birbiglia

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife.…

— Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we…

— Mike Birbiglia

There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school.

— Mike Birbiglia

I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that…

— Mike Birbiglia

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in…

— Mike Birbiglia

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be…

— Mike Birbiglia

You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the…

— Mike Birbiglia

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta…

— Mike Birbiglia

Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I…

— Mike Birbiglia

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's…

— Mike Birbiglia

“I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to…

— Mike Birbiglia

They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie,…

— Mike Birbiglia

“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an…

— Mike Birbiglia

I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about…

— Mike Birbiglia

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do…

— Mike Birbiglia

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to…

— Mike Birbiglia

“I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who…

— Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like,…

— Mike Birbiglia

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines…

— Mike Birbiglia

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long…

— Mike Birbiglia

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and…

— Mike Birbiglia

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America,…

— Mike Birbiglia

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!"…

— Mike Birbiglia