Funny Quotes by Frankie Boyle

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

— Frankie Boyle

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

— Frankie Boyle

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

— Frankie Boyle

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

— Frankie Boyle

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

— Frankie Boyle

“Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.”

— Frankie Boyle

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

— Frankie Boyle

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

— Frankie Boyle

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in…

— Frankie Boyle

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to…

— Frankie Boyle

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had…

— Frankie Boyle

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand…

— Frankie Boyle

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night.…

— Frankie Boyle

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

— Frankie Boyle

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by…

— Frankie Boyle

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it…

— Frankie Boyle

Doug Stanhope is great - I saw his 'Burning the Bridge to Nowhere' show and it was inspiring. He's like an anti-shaman,…

— Frankie Boyle

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed…

— Frankie Boyle

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their…

— Frankie Boyle

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if…

— Frankie Boyle

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be…

— Frankie Boyle

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you…

— Frankie Boyle

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone…

— Frankie Boyle

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine…

— Frankie Boyle

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

— Frankie Boyle

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

— Frankie Boyle

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

— Frankie Boyle

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as…

— Frankie Boyle

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

— Frankie Boyle

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

— Frankie Boyle

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

— Frankie Boyle

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

— Frankie Boyle

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

— Frankie Boyle

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour.…

— Frankie Boyle

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count…

— Frankie Boyle

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're…

— Frankie Boyle

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

— Frankie Boyle

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

— Frankie Boyle

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is…

— Frankie Boyle

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit…

— Frankie Boyle