Funny Quotes by Bill Cosby

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

— Bill Cosby

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

— Bill Cosby

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

— Bill Cosby

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

— Bill Cosby

Don't talk yourself into not being you.

— Bill Cosby

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

— Bill Cosby

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

— Bill Cosby

You can't be everything to everyone

— Bill Cosby

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear…

— Bill Cosby

Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.

— Bill Cosby

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

— Bill Cosby

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

— Bill Cosby

If the audience knows you can be funny when you want to be, they will be willing to wait for that payoff.

— Bill Cosby

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

— Bill Cosby

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

— Bill Cosby

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”

— Bill Cosby

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they…

— Bill Cosby

I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product…

— Bill Cosby

If you watch kids looking at something on television, even something that's produced for them and is supposed to be funny, what…

— Bill Cosby

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I…

— Bill Cosby

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In…

— Bill Cosby

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you…

— Bill Cosby

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it…

— Bill Cosby

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is…

— Bill Cosby

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is…

— Bill Cosby

When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What…

— Bill Cosby

God has a sense of humor though and he must see funny things in us. He must also have some love. We're…

— Bill Cosby

If you can find humour in anything, you can survive it

— Bill Cosby

You can not make everybody happy..

— Bill Cosby

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.

— Bill Cosby

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

— Bill Cosby

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

— Bill Cosby

George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work.

— Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to…

— Bill Cosby

I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.

— Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

— Bill Cosby

I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.

— Bill Cosby

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

— Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

— Bill Cosby

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and…

— Bill Cosby