Funny life Quotes · Page 2

Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk.

— Cyril Connolly

I don't think of myself as being funny. But life takes strange turns.

— Frank Gorshin

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet…

— Andy Borowitz

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

— Erma Bombeck

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

— Rex W. Tillerson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

— Johnny Carson

I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.

— Cathy Guisewite

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

— Bill Cosby

it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else…

— Gabrielle Roy

People always think I'm this zany character. But I think I just see the funny side of life, I don't see the…

— Ainsley Harriott

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the…

— Peter De Vries

Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start…

— John Updike

God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take…

— Bill Maher

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname…

— Stephen Fry

My routine isn't so much dreaming up the comedy as just seeing what happens to me. I seem to be leading a…

— John Pinette

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear…

— Jim Steinman

If life gives you lemons, make apple juice and make people wonder how the hell you did it.

— Gurbaksh Chahal

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

— Woody Allen

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

— Robert Breault

I need a human size condom, Because life loves to Fu(k me up in the @$$.

— Dustin Barbadillo-aton

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

— Hunter S. Thompson

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

— Steven Wright

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

— George Bernard Shaw

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

— Phyllis Diller

It's been a funny life for me. Sometimes I feel I haven't done a lot of living.

— Joanna Cassidy

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

— Anonymous

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

— Andy Rooney

Airplane Law, The: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

— Paul Dickson

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.

— Shunryu Suzuki

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

— Russell Conwell

You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.

— Edgar Guest

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

— Mel Brooks

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

— Hugh Leonard

Be your best friend and don't forget to wink at yourself every now and then.

— Destiny Dreams

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

— Mark Twain

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.

— Albert Einstein

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

— Steven Wright

The truth is really funny. It's uncomfortable sometimes, it's dramatic sometimes, but it's really funny. Life is funny.

— Chris Messina

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

— Andy Borowitz