Funny facebook status Quotes · Page 34

When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half

— Anonymous

I dont give a flying fish what the teacher says JESUS is always the answer...

— Some Genius

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

— Anonymous

Stop quoting me on your twitter profile. - Gandhi

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't you hate when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything?

— Nishan Singh

To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.

— Nikhil Saluja

I started pooping 10 times a day because it's where I come up with my best tweets.

— Nikhil Saluja

Interrupt my sleep and I'll interrupt your breathing.

— Mee

Just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts.

— Anonymous

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and…

— Nikhil Saluja

1.Morning Routine: 1. Wake Up 2. Check phone for messages 3. Check Facebook for any notifications.

— Becca

Dear inventors of Tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?

— Anonymous

May your daily meltdown be less public, drug-addled, and cartoonishly insane than Amanda Bynes's.

— Anonymous

As bored as someone sitting in a weird pub watching the landlord's cat licking its knob.

— Sparki Dee

Nothing breaks my heart like not getting comments on my funny status...women are even better than that.

— Thabang Tshabalala

I called my dad to tell him I was gonna quit drinking and he told me don't be a quitter!..

— Anonymous

The Awkward Moment Created When You Go For A Hug And Get A Kiss''

— Muskaan

She might as well post, Need attention NOW as her Facebook status.

— Anonymous

Better to die as a man, than to live as a pussy.

— Nikhil Saluja

A girl asks you what you need. The woman knows and gives you what you want.

— Nikhil Saluja

Remember the day I gave you my word, Yes I need them back.

— Nikhil Saluja

I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.

— Anonymous

I never pay my attention. he's going to die poor.

— Nikhil Saluja

That awkward moment when Pinocchio and Voldemort meet.

— Anonymous

If you can't afford porn, just turn on women's tennis and shut your eyes...

— Anonymous

Never trust an Italian who don't like pasta as his breakfast.

— Nikhil Saluja

Bitch I'm Not Impressed , you must have got the Wrong Impression

— Syoung

Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

— Nikhil Saluja

Growing up is amazing, until you get old! !!

— Anonymous

My favorite text message, I will be there in five minutes, if not read again.

— Anonymous

What the fuck do you want from me? is the new hello.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate it when I do something like a ninja and there is nobody around to see!

— Nikhil Saluja

They were too close to the door to close it.

— Nikhil Saluja

If she thinks 69 is just a number, she's too young for you bro.

— Anonymous

I dont like a female that WANT attention...bitch try N WANT some money

— IG:catone_2_funny

That awkward moment you realize youve been mispronouncing a word your entire life.

— Enhance Dreams

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

— Nikhil Saluja

I once arm wrestled the Incredible Hulk. The loser had to paint himself green.

— Nikhil Saluja

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

— Nikhil Saluja

Oh sorry, I couldn't hear you over the imaginary sex I was having with you in my head.

— Anonymous