I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way.… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason Copy Share
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . .… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
