You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
