A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
