My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
