I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird! — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death.… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was! — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
