This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't… — Milton Berle Copy Share
