The dumber people think you are, the most surprised…

“... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong…

— E.A. Bucchianeri

“My mother didn't try to stab my father until I was six.”

— Alan Alda

Just tell the truth, and they'll accuse you of writing black humor.

— Charles Willeford

“Remember you are never really alone. Although it may feel like it for very long stretches of time.”

— Steven L. Peck

“The fact that I'm sitting here in the chilly leaves imagining ways to get rid of the boy I loved so much I brought…

— Amy Garvey

“Few Westerners understand the post-Soviet soul like Lawrence Sheets. Whether it is his hair-raising stories of the region’s myriad armed conflicts or the black…

— Matthew Brzezinski

“The Baudelaire orphans hung on to one another, and wept and wept while the adults argued endlessly behind them. Finally-as, I'm sorry to say,…

— Lemony Snicket

“If anyone ever reported my death incorrectly, I'd confirm it was true on Twitter and that I was tweeting through a Ouija board.”

— Stewart Stafford

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God…

— George Carlin

“He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes…

— Jackson Radcliffe

“I never got to see a proper striptease. Not anything even remotely close. I was stupid and went to literary cafés and spent my…

— Tor Ulven

Hang your merit. I don't seek anyone's approbation.

— Anonymous

“When he picked out the [gravesite] plot, my father had joked that he was moving, at last, to the suburbs.”

— Marco Roth

“My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice.”

— Philip Kerr

No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

— Mark Twain