WHY IS MY BATH COLD? Because I, purchaser of sadist shoes…

“Let us observe the mating rituals of the lecherous North American lounge lizard in his native habitat: The Open Bar.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“REBECCA IS AN IMMORTAL. I know this because I have been giving her a look that can kill for the past three and a…

— Qwen Salsbury

“Say who with the what now? Well, Merry Christmas and Ho Ho Holy Crap. Just what the hell have I been yammering on about?”

— Qwen Salsbury

“It’s all very Super Secret Squirrel.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“I will have you know there is probably less pineapple at your average luau than in my system at this moment”

— Qwen Salsbury

“Incoming Text: Bert will be so disappointed. He had down that Canon would eat you alive by last night. Note to self: Never bet…

— Qwen Salsbury

“IT IS A FACT, UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED, that a single man in possession of a fine ass must be observed like wildlife”

— Qwen Salsbury

“This crap is fast getting on my reserve nerve.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“We have been going over the proposal and possible concessions for the longest ninety minutes of my life. And I saw Battlefield Earth.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“How am I supposed to look unaffected and asexual with all this unfair fuckery happening?”

— Qwen Salsbury

“I do wish there were assless chaps. Not that I would wear them. But there is nothing funnier than the words assless chaps.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“These are dark times. Darker still if we must forego the snooze button.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“God, I'm not just in the neighbourhood of pathetic, I'm circling the block.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“Irony is chock-full of fiber.”

— Qwen Salsbury

“You mean beyond the obvious drawbacks of being involved with a self-proclaimed and unapologetic asshole?”

— Qwen Salsbury