nashin awa wi their een watterin. But naebody wis aw that…

I have always liked shows that have laughter in them.

— David Walliams

“They may have only had one pence to spend, but their hearts beamed with gold.”

— David Walliams

“One boy dropped his trousers and did an almighty—!” “I don’t need to know, thank you!” replied Stella, cutting the boy off.”

— David Walliams

No more watching that show Small England or whatever it's called where those two idiots dress up as 'laydees'. It's a bad influence.

— David Walliams

I think most people that do comedy write for themselves. I don't think there is any other way you can do it, really. Otherwise…

— David Walliams

People think writing a children's book is something you could do in an afternoon but it's actually really hard.

— David Walliams

There's something about being a comedian that means you have to not be scared of failing because failing is part of the process.

— David Walliams

Writing for radio really focuses the mind, because you can't rely on thinking "Oh, just pull a funny face at the end of this…

— David Walliams

“Alberta thought for a moment, and took a live mouse out of her pocket by its tail before dropping it into Wagner’s mouth. The…

— David Walliams

I was depressed as a child. I found it hard to make friends. My favourite thing was locking myself in the bathroom and practising…

— David Walliams

I've just swum the length of the Thames. I feel quite tired.

— David Walliams

I have a pathological fear of being on my own. When I'm with my own thoughts, I start to unravel myself, and I start…

— David Walliams

A bully can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them.

— David Walliams

Definitely I love women, I love being around women, I find them incredible and intoxicating, and I've never had that feeling I get with…

— David Walliams

I used to have a silk dressing gown an uncle bought in Japan and when I came downstairs in it, my dad used to…

— David Walliams