I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let's get offended. I have a master's degree in being offended. — Pete Holmes Being Copy Share Image
When I was in junior high, I went to a really hippy dippy Quaker school where we called our teachers by their… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
When somebody comes across as authentic and genuine and sweet, people just want to spend time with that person. — Pete Holmes Authentic Copy Share Image
Science would like to tell us that people laugh because of the benign violation theory, but comedy doesn't have hard rules. — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a pastor. I was going to be a youth pastor. I mean, I play guitar; I like to… — Pete Holmes Guitar Copy Share Image
Comedians really are like a species. That's not to be exclusive. Anyone can kind of become one. You have to pay your… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
As soon as I heard the term 'comedy nerd,' I'd hoped there was a lot of them. — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
I always wanted to do something about what it's like to get divorced, especially when it's a young marriage to start with. — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
I'm super happy to say that it's not that hard to write bad stand-up. I guess the trick is to write bad… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
Be persistent and just keep going to open mics no matter what, even if just to watch and not perform. You'll find… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
I think a good comedian was probably bullied a little bit. Probably felt doughy and oblong and rhombus-shaped and strange and a… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
Traffic: Sit there. Sit. Occasionally move your foot from the brake and crawl forward, then put it back. That's all you do… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
I'll admit that I'm self-centered - all of us are - but I can also be external and giving and listening and… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
The biggest idea of a good time for me is making the Batman videos that we did. That is my ideal day.… — Pete Holmes Batman Copy Share Image
I needed to let go of the idea of a God who was mad at me for feeling how I was feeling.… — Pete Holmes Experience Copy Share Image
Sometimes I liken the comedian's lifestyle a little bit to a firefighter's in the sense that there's a lot of waiting and… — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
I look at my faith like a room, and there was all of this furniture in there, but I had inherited most… — Pete Holmes Faith Copy Share Image
One of my obsessions in life is that we have the tools to manufacture moments and real things, but it's overwhelming and… — Pete Holmes Being positive Copy Share Image
Every human being can relate to wanting their thoughts and their feelings to be accepted and rewarded and validated. So in that… — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
I think there's something so funny about Ram Dass. I was lucky enough to sit across from him at dinner once, and… — Pete Holmes Comedian Copy Share Image
A stand-up act is almost like a pool. You know what I mean? It's like a pool, and you're always skimming little… — Pete Holmes Body Copy Share Image
I have never been political, which for a straight white man that's kind of a byproduct of privilege growing up that I… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
Losing your faith is an essential part of having a three-dimensional, vivid, vibrant faith. — Pete Holmes Faith Copy Share Image
I think what people respond to is someone being who they actually are. — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
I'm the weirdo that tells - asks - the Uber driver to please turn the radio down. I'm so polite about it,… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
I think 'everything sucks' is too often leaned upon as a comedic stance. It's a really easy and pretty weak perspective. — Pete Holmes Comedy Copy Share Image
When you slide into television, no one tells you exactly how manage expectations and work with your staff. — Pete Holmes Expectations Copy Share Image
I didn't like talking about my divorce. I think I viewed that as something that was embarrassing or a failure. — Pete Holmes Divorce Copy Share Image
When I look at what's happening with #MeToo, my heart breaks, basically, for everybody involved. — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
