Pete Holmes

“Keep it crispy.”

— Pete Holmes

I love Jon Stewart.

— Pete Holmes

I love alpha males.

— Pete Holmes

I love Batman to death.

— Pete Holmes

I saved my money.

— Pete Holmes

I like squirm-laughing.

— Pete Holmes

I hate when pastors have a gay son and then they become pro-gay.

— Pete Holmes

The underlying goal of comedy is feeling not-alone.

— Pete Holmes

'Time to Move On' is my favorite song.

— Pete Holmes

It's hard to control the things that are going to inspire you.

— Pete Holmes

What people respond to is intimacy and regularity.

— Pete Holmes

The idea of saying 'the handsome Pete Holmes' is preposterous.

— Pete Holmes

When you do stand-up, it's so autonomous: I can say anything.

— Pete Holmes

I disagree with the idea that everything happens for a reason.

— Pete Holmes

I mostly do faces and sounds. That's what I do. Comedy doesn't have to be art.

— Pete Holmes

I knew I wanted a 'Girls'-type show about my life, but what's the big thing that happened to me? Oh, I got…

— Pete Holmes

When I grew up, my model of God was like a lifeguard: I knew He loved me, but He blew his whistle…

— Pete Holmes

Joy is in learning to say yes to what is and to surrender into flow with what is, even when it's what…

— Pete Holmes

I used to just want so badly to have afterlife insured and make sure I was going to heaven.

— Pete Holmes

I think it can be easy at a certain point to take it for granted that you can kind of perform whatever…

— Pete Holmes

My mom wanted me to be a youth pastor, and when I became a comedian, she said it was close enough.

— Pete Holmes

When I got divorced, the first people I called were Nick Kroll and John Mulaney and T. J. Miller - all the…

— Pete Holmes

It's funny - the reason I started doing a podcast was because every time I was on someone else's podcast, I would…

— Pete Holmes

It's true that in show business, a lot of times a producer will just not ever be there, not even be aware…

— Pete Holmes

I am a comedian. My brain is critical - it's overthinking - but you can find ways to turn it down and…

— Pete Holmes

The skill set of pastor and comedian are incredibly similar. You want to affect people. You're good at reading rooms. You're persuasive,…

— Pete Holmes

Religion often is very embarrassing, and I totally get it. So I am sort of sometimes burdened with the fact that I…

— Pete Holmes

In real life, T. J. Miller is one of my best friends, and I'll maybe see him for two or three days…

— Pete Holmes

Whenever I make a blasphemous joke, I always say that I believe in a God big enough to know that I'm just…

— Pete Holmes

When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to…

— Pete Holmes

I'm trying to manufacture a sleepover feel; like a tree house or a clubhouse. I want people to be silly and play…

— Pete Holmes

The beautiful thing about stand-up advice is that it applies to anybody, any gender, any race, any age. The best thing you…

— Pete Holmes

I can't speak for everybody. But I will say that for me, when I've been depressed - and I get depressed. I…

— Pete Holmes

When it comes to being called a pronoun, sometimes I like to call other people 'me.' I go, like, 'Oh, these mes…

— Pete Holmes

What I don't think I knew when I was young was that 'losing your faith' is actually part of the plan for…

— Pete Holmes

I remember talking to comedian Jimmy Pardo about his experience waiting to hear about his own pilot, and we both agreed on…

— Pete Holmes

We can give space to someone's depression. We can love them; we can honor - we can just eat some noodles, we…

— Pete Holmes

I'm not going to have the TV personality and be like, 'There's no bitterness. There's no ugliness.' There's bitterness. There's ugliness. There's…

— Pete Holmes

I'm down with Jesus, sweet Jeez, sweet baby Jeez.

— Pete Holmes

If you have a friend with a blond mustache, he wants to touch you.

— Pete Holmes