Norm MacDonald

It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than…

— Norm MacDonald

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and…

— Norm MacDonald

The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than…

— Norm MacDonald

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me…

— Norm MacDonald

I just hate plugs. It just doesn't seem entertaining to me. I've never plugged anything in my life on a talk show…

— Norm MacDonald

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with…

— Norm MacDonald

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every…

— Norm MacDonald

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand…

— Norm MacDonald

I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing.…

— Norm MacDonald

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't…

— Norm MacDonald

I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes…

— Norm MacDonald

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's…

— Norm MacDonald

I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in…

— Norm MacDonald

With the computer and stuff, the difference between a rich guy and a poor guy, to me, is nothing. Because I don't…

— Norm MacDonald

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I…

— Norm MacDonald

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I…

— Norm MacDonald

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a…

— Norm MacDonald

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed…

— Norm MacDonald

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good…

— Norm MacDonald

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

— Norm MacDonald

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy…

— Norm MacDonald

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything…

— Norm MacDonald

If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.

— Norm MacDonald

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons…

— Norm MacDonald

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

— Norm MacDonald

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something…

— Norm MacDonald

There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And…

— Norm MacDonald

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to…

— Norm MacDonald

There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art,…

— Norm MacDonald

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty…

— Norm MacDonald

You're trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent's the same. It's not…

— Norm MacDonald

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and…

— Norm MacDonald

[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].

— Norm MacDonald

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out,…

— Norm MacDonald

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

— Norm MacDonald

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so…

— Norm MacDonald

They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are…

— Norm MacDonald

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense…

— Norm MacDonald

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what…

— Norm MacDonald

“The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and…

— Norm Macdonald