Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share Image
In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things,… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
In theatres, you're kind of disconnected. Also, it's way too big for the likes of me. Unless you're Robin Williams or someone that can… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died. — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert… — Norm MacDonald Copy Share
