Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares. — Jackie Mason Care Copy Share Image
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason Friendship Copy Share Image
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. — Jackie Mason Doctor Copy Share Image
I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future. — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck. — Jackie Mason Apology Copy Share Image
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it! — Jackie Mason Friendship Copy Share Image
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The New York Times claims that they publish all the news that's fit to print but what they really do is print… — Jackie Mason Agendas Copy Share Image
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and… — Jackie Mason Education Copy Share Image
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's… — Jackie Mason Bible Copy Share Image
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith,… — Jackie Mason Acting Copy Share Image
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels… — Jackie Mason Democracy Copy Share Image
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa… — Jackie Mason Caucus Copy Share Image
The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink?… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them… — Jackie Mason Fun Copy Share Image
If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything.… — Jackie Mason Country Copy Share Image
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable! — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
“Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.” — Jackie Mason Amendment Copy Share Image
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes… — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject. — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue… — Jackie Mason Class Copy Share Image
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality,… — Jackie Mason Attention Copy Share Image
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible. — Jackie Mason Bible Copy Share Image
The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do… — Jackie Mason Democracy Copy Share Image
