It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. — Jackie Mason Congressman Copy Share Image
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress. — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them. — Jackie Mason Democracy Copy Share Image
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. — Jackie Mason Future Copy Share Image
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a… — Jackie Mason Culture Copy Share Image
If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. .… — Jackie Mason Gentleman Copy Share Image
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know… — Jackie Mason Art Copy Share Image
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're… — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole… — Jackie Mason Grandfather Copy Share Image
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values… — Jackie Mason Better world Copy Share Image
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy… — Jackie Mason Behavior Copy Share Image
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on… — Jackie Mason Austria Copy Share Image
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When… — Jackie Mason Army Copy Share Image
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their… — Jackie Mason Hope Copy Share Image
Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton. — Jackie Mason Challenges Copy Share Image
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it? — Jackie Mason Drug Copy Share Image
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people. — Jackie Mason Contempt Copy Share Image
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me. — Jackie Mason Care Copy Share Image
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long. — Jackie Mason God Copy Share Image
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval. — Jackie Mason Approval Copy Share Image
