I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it! — Jackie Mason Friendship Copy Share Image
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval. — Jackie Mason Approval Copy Share Image
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me. — Jackie Mason Care Copy Share Image
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people. — Jackie Mason Contempt Copy Share Image
I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long. — Jackie Mason God Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares. — Jackie Mason Care Copy Share Image
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're… — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know… — Jackie Mason Art Copy Share Image
If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a… — Jackie Mason Culture Copy Share Image
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. .… — Jackie Mason Gentleman Copy Share Image
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy… — Jackie Mason Behavior Copy Share Image
Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything.… — Jackie Mason Country Copy Share Image
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them… — Jackie Mason Fun Copy Share Image
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink?… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The New York Times claims that they publish all the news that's fit to print but what they really do is print… — Jackie Mason Agendas Copy Share Image
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole… — Jackie Mason Grandfather Copy Share Image
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do… — Jackie Mason Democracy Copy Share Image
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible. — Jackie Mason Bible Copy Share Image
As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening… — Jackie Mason Dinner Copy Share Image
I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject. — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
