Jackie Mason

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

— Jackie Mason

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

— Jackie Mason

Jews are living in the past and they can't get over it.

— Jackie Mason

Predictions are preposterous.

— Jackie Mason

I've found that my humor goes over big in London.

— Jackie Mason

There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.

— Jackie Mason

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

— Jackie Mason

I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.

— Jackie Mason

Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton.

— Jackie Mason

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

— Jackie Mason

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

— Jackie Mason

A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.

— Jackie Mason

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

— Jackie Mason

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith,…

— Jackie Mason

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy…

— Jackie Mason

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's…

— Jackie Mason

I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and…

— Jackie Mason

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm…

— Jackie Mason

The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels…

— Jackie Mason

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes…

— Jackie Mason

The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the…

— Jackie Mason

Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have…

— Jackie Mason

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa…

— Jackie Mason

I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their…

— Jackie Mason

Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they…

— Jackie Mason

The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the…

— Jackie Mason

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When…

— Jackie Mason

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values…

— Jackie Mason

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on…

— Jackie Mason

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

— Jackie Mason

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

— Jackie Mason

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.

— Jackie Mason

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

— Jackie Mason

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

— Jackie Mason

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

— Jackie Mason

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

— Jackie Mason

“Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.”

— Jackie Mason

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

— Jackie Mason

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.

— Jackie Mason

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

— Jackie Mason