Daniel Handler

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.

— Daniel Handler

“You fat bitch !" he said, and the party gasped like a Greek chorus.”

— Daniel Handler

We are a nation of children letting horrible things happen, and flunking Calc.

— Daniel Handler

Put your hair up, Min. The secret ingredient is not your hair.

— Daniel Handler

“She didn't look like a girl who would ruin the whole thing at all.”

— Daniel Handler

Any playlist without Prince is no friend of mine.

— Daniel Handler

I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.

— Daniel Handler

...everyone was right about you- prove them wrong.

— Daniel Handler

I have produced things that I would say were sincerely cheerful. But then I am reminded by other people that no one…

— Daniel Handler

For every teenager I know, having a phone is a mixed blessing, because your parents can press a button and figure out…

— Daniel Handler

“Call me later, you’d said, so I could call you later, at night, and it is those nights I miss you, Ed,…

— Daniel Handler

Once more, this is love: it rings and you open up unless it looks like an ax murderer.

— Daniel Handler

Love is candy from a stranger, but it's candy you've had before and it probably won't kill you.

— Daniel Handler

“Not like we were going to be forever. I mean, who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn’t know…

— Daniel Handler

“Dammit, Flora, why do you always ruin everything? A prophetic remark. I hope you picked up on that.”

— Daniel Handler

“May we generally be happy, generally be witty, generally be honest, but above all always be interesting.”

— Daniel Handler

I liked, I admit, that we didn’t pretend there hadn’t been other girls. There was always a girl on you in the…

— Daniel Handler

I love meeting people who have absolutely no sense of irony. It's really fascinating to imagine what it would be like to…

— Daniel Handler

I'm not very good at the accordion. If I played guitar, I wouldn't be on anyone's album. But because I play the…

— Daniel Handler

“I can't have it near me anymore, I'm grenading it back to you, as soon as I unfold it and read it…

— Daniel Handler

“No soy diferente, en absoluto, no soy distinta a otra mota cualquiera. Soy una imperfección imperfecta, una ruina ruinosa, unos restos manchados…

— Daniel Handler

“You think everything's sexual tension," I said to Lauren, "just because you were raised my Mr. & Mrs. Super-Christian. We Jews know…

— Daniel Handler

With the publishing of The Basic Eight, it was often assumed that I was really immature and callow, and with the publishing…

— Daniel Handler

The whole thing of what I’ve been trying,” you said, “is that you’re different, and you keep asking about the other girls,…

— Daniel Handler

I waited just to see you at that kind of peace, I wanted to be beside you, I wanted you to wake…

— Daniel Handler

I'd written my first novel for adults, which was called Basic Eight and was set in a high school, and we were…

— Daniel Handler

“...It was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later & then later & very late &…

— Daniel Handler

“And this note was a jittery time bomb, ticking beneath my normal life, in my pocket all day firecely reread, in my…

— Daniel Handler

I'd finished the first two [books] and they were going to to be published, and [editor] said, "We need you to write…

— Daniel Handler

I have this fantasy that the second movie would begin with a brief statement by all of the young actors who had…

— Daniel Handler

“There are stories about people who have loved someone forever after laying eyes on them for a few minutes and then nevermore,…

— Daniel Handler

“This is another thing I think of, turning it over, try to put together two pictures of it, but this time it's…

— Daniel Handler

“You're a ghost! Eddie cried. You're empty and you have nothing inside you.”

— Daniel Handler

Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies

— Daniel Handler

I have a dream of what would have happened if what happened instead hadn't.

— Daniel Handler

It was a secret time and place, you next to me, untraceable and out of this world

— Daniel Handler

“This teaching job did not pay a lot of money, because, let's face it, nobody gives a flying fuck about education, but…

— Daniel Handler

I found powerful the idea that everything we have is, in effect, stolen from everybody else.

— Daniel Handler

“I saw myself, clearly, a scorned woman drunk and angry at a party. Hell hath no fury etc.”

— Daniel Handler

Let’s go, let’s go together toward something extraordinary and I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.

— Daniel Handler