Wit is absolutely sociable spirit or aphoristic genius. — Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel Copy Share Image
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Good girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini line Naughty girls wax your nutsack — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
So your name is Will, But you don't call your crotch The Willderness, then what the fuck? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you convince me to make me think WHAT THE FUCK you instantly get a retweet. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I texted my girlfriend a picture of my flaccid penis. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The follower counts should be hidden so we can be fair and judge people only by the quality of their tweets. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, That ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I hate to travel. I guess it's because my father used to beat me with a globe. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Most wives fuck their husbands, just to ensure financial support. Marriage is just a form of legalized prostitution, when you really thought… — K. Syrah Copy Share Image
I may not be perfectly witty, I may not be perfectly wonderful, I may not be perfectly wise, but I am always… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we… — Allan Sherman Copy Share Image
There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm not so quick-witted. I wish I was. We're pretty different and I kind of live through her in a way, always… — Leisha Hailey Copy Share Image
What's that one that people seem to like so much? 'Fleabag.' I watched that and it was that sort of Oxbridge 'Oh,… — Vic Reeves Copy Share Image
A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The only thing that shocks me is public interest in people who shouldn't be interesting at all, like Jade Goody. We've gone… — Marco Pirroni Copy Share Image
My mom says to me, Honey, I don't want you to think I have diabetes because I'm fat. I have diabetes because… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Birdscapes moves rather like those swallows, dipping and swerving to pick up all sorts of items of interest. Mynott tells plenty of… — Robert O. Paxton Copy Share Image
I've no idea where ideas come from and I hope I never find out; it would spoil the excitement for me if… — J. K. Rowling Copy Share Image
I looked at Bria. “How do you put up with him?” Bria started to open her mouth, but Finn piped up instead.… — Jennifer Estep Copy Share Image
“Taking a single letter from the alphaber," he said, "should make life simpler." "I don't see why. Take the F from life… — James Thurber Copy Share Image
