Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
