Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
