A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
