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Men Quotes by Rita Rudner

70 Men quotes by Rita Rudner

All Men quotes Rita Rudner’s page

Rita Rudner points out that many men act like superheroes, so confident they think they could play in the Super Bowl even without arms. She also notes that men often forget things quickly, needing instant replays, and that they sometimes leave the toilet seat up just to make women get up at night.

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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

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All men would still really like to own a train set.

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Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

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All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

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Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

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Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

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Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

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Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men…

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The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a…

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Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will…

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No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man…

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Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice.…

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All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with…

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Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,…

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Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look…

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Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the…

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Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for…

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If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when…

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If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

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Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

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Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

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Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

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Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

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Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

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Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

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All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of…

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Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

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Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a…

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If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

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More by Rita Rudner

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different…

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into…

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with…

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;…

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career…

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I…