Humour Quotes by Terry Pratchett

“SOD YOU, THEN, Death said.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Interest? What's money interested in?' 'More money”

— Terry Pratchett

“Red sky at night, the city's alight.”

— Terry Pratchett

The Battle of Koom Valley is the only one known to history where both sides ambushed each other.

— Terry Pratchett

“ If you ask 10 nomes to push four will pull and two will say pardon”

— Terry Pratchett

“Thatsh prieshts for you,” said the old man wetly. “Nothing by torc, torc, torc.”

— Terry Pratchett

“The commander went, as they say in Ankh-Morpork, totally Librarian on them.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw. It was its tendency to bend at the knees.”

— Terry Pratchett

“I often don't know where my Luggage is, that's what being a tourist is all about," said Twoflower.”

— Terry Pratchett

“It's not gambling to play against someone who's no good. It's common sense.”

— Terry Pratchett

“It is well known that any drive to reduce paperwork only results in extra paperwork”

— Terry Pratchett

Around it are those countries which, according to History, constitute the civilised world ie, a world that can support historians

— Terry Pratchett

“How long have you been going?' said Vimes, selecting a pie. ‘Let’s see…what year is this?’ ‘Er…Dancing Dog, I think.’ ‘Since Tuesday,…

— Terry Pratchett

“Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see…

— Terry Pratchett

“He had done regular live concerts from San Quentin jail until the civil rights people got him under the Cruel and Unusual…

— Terry Pratchett

“Sister Georgina had studied at Cambridge or, as she put it, 'Not-the-one-in-Massachusetts-Cambridge-Universitythe-real-one-you-know-in-England.”

— Terry Pratchett

Mort was hurt by this. It was one thing not to want to marry someone, but quite another to be told they…

— Terry Pratchett

“Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle made of teeth. It was the kind of mental…

— Terry Pratchett

It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military maneuvers, right down at the bottom end of the scale…

— Terry Pratchett

I must have read every issue of 'Punch' published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up…

— Terry Pratchett

“Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable…

— Terry Pratchett

“I don’t reckon it’s allowed, going round setting fire to people,” said Adam. “Otherwise people’d be doin’ it all the time.” “It’s…

— Terry Pratchett

“Sometime later the islanders on a little rimward atoll were amazed to find, washed into their little local lagoon, the wave-rocked corpse…

— Terry Pratchett

“One cannot help feeling that some alternative occupation—lettuce farming, say—would offer somewhat less of a risk of being put to death by…

— Terry Pratchett

The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold that the accumulation of money is a great evil…

— Terry Pratchett

“Oh, don’t be absurd, man.' The Prime Minister sat back in his chair. 'Come on. We can’t just ban a thing because…

— Terry Pratchett

“But I thought she thought he was just a big pile of jobbies?” he said. “I seen her oout walkin’, an’ when…

— Terry Pratchett

“Tiffany jumped when she saw a balloon sail up above the trees, catch the wind, and swoop away, but it turned out…

— Terry Pratchett

“You want fantasy? Here's one... There's this species that lives on a planet a few miles above molten rock and a few…

— Terry Pratchett

“Rincewind picked up a spare paper and read it. It was headed: Examination for the post of Assistant Night-Soil Operative for the…

— Terry Pratchett

“Someone has to do it. It's all very well calling for eye of newt, but do you mean Common, Spotted or Great…

— Terry Pratchett

“The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things”

— Terry Pratchett

“YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SAID THAT SEEING ME GAVE YOU QUITE A START?" "Yes?" "I GAVE YOU QUITE A STOP.”

— Terry Pratchett

“I mean, it's a good job we've got a last desperate million-to-one chance to rely on, or we'd really be in trouble!”

— Terry Pratchett

“I THINK NOT. I WASN'T CUT OUT TO BE A FATHER, AND CERTAINLY NOT A GRANDAD. I HAVEN'T GOT THE RIGHT KIND…

— Terry Pratchett

Now that their long war was over, they could get on with the proper concern of all civilised nations, which is to…

— Terry Pratchett

“She was the Goddess Who Must Not Be Named; those who sought her never found her, yet she was known to come…

— Terry Pratchett

“One of the biggest religions on Roundworld was founded by a carpenter's son!' Ponder snarled. 'For years, the most powerful person on…

— Terry Pratchett

“They want dancing girls! They want thrills! They want elephants! They want people falling off roofs! They want dreams! The world is…

— Terry Pratchett

“All that yohoho stuff's for landlubbers, or it would be if we ever used words like landlubber. Do you know the difference…

— Terry Pratchett