This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say, thirty cans… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share
