In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
