Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. — Emo Philips Copy Share
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get… — Emo Philips Copy Share
