“Everything hurts so much inside and my thoughts are so overwhelming yet so distant, whirling about and never leaving me. I argue with my rational self and the self that's really hurting and doesn't want to carry on anymore. I do cut myself. I don't cut to die, I don't cut for attention, I cut because it makes me feel better for just a few minutes. It's like a drug- instant relief. Everything's okay for a while. The world stands still and my mind feels cleared. It's difficult to explain. I want to cry so badly sometimes, and I can't.and I literally ache inside; the feeling is unbearable and when I cut myself some of the pressure and hurt from inside is released. I know it's stupid; I know it's wrong, but sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through. Everything seems to be so crazy at the moment. Like, everythings spinning out of my control. I dont feel like I can do anything in my life anymrore, without it going wrong. Nobody really understands why I cut myself. Maybe I don't either. It's like, I'm punishing myself. And as I see the blood fall onto the floor its like, I've paid my price now. I've done my bit. I've like, equaled it all out. To be honest I think it's pretty funny. The fact that I can sit up in the bathroom cutting up my wrists, shove on my sweat band, clean up the blood and then just casually jst walk back down the stairs to my family and none of them noticing a thing. Crazy really. Stupidly crazy. So, it's me again. Nope, not dead yet. surprised? Hahaha. Yeah, me to. I dont know why I want to die really. It pretty crazy. Why would anyone want to leave this amazing life? Hahaha, who am I kidding? This life isn't great. It's all a game. One big messed up game. Nobody cares about anybody. I feel so alone. So stupidly scared. But what there to be scared of? Isn't death suposed to be the worst tjing in the world? Ha! Not to me. Can't wait. It's a gift. Who would to stay on this planet any longer than they need to? There's nothing left for me anymore. How can this be happening to me? After everything we've been through? How could he do this to me? I feel so useless. So betrayed. So hurt. Empty. Stupid. Dumb. Angry. But I'm mainly scared. Scared of being alone again. Scared of the fact that I've been hurt so much and I can still forgive. Scared of what the future brings. Scared of what people will say. I pretend so much that I dont care about what people think of me. But I do. All I want is to be accepted. Accepted for who I am. I am who I am, not what other people want me to be. Why doesn't anybody understand? I'm so alone. It's always going to be like this. I give someone all my trust and let me down. I'll just have to deal with it...my way. I was always looking for way out of life. Someway to end everything I had. Just to leave my soul. That was what I needed. And as those black tears fell onto my mangled up wrists, I called your name. I hated myself for doing this, but I couldn't stop. I only wanted to be a new person. Letting the blood drip from my wrist may not have been the best way do it. You say you wanna see into my soul. You say you wanna understand me. But how can you? When I don't understand myself. Why am I here on this planet? What's my purpose? No, don't be stupid. There isn't one I've built up this barrier around me. So I won't get hurt. I cover my emotion. I block my feelings. If I tell you how I feel you could hurt me so bad. But now I've let you in and there's no going back now. You could kill me so easily. You could damage me more than I could hurt myself. You're the first person I've let into my head. Don't let me down. Please. All I want is to be loved. So this is it? This is my life? This is my time that's ending tonight? I've made my mistakes, I tried to live right. And tonight we celebrate the end, of this life. And we sing. So please don't cry yourself to sleep at night. Coz I will wait on the other side.So you come along, I push you away. Then kick and scream for you to stay. Coz I need someone to help me. Will you help me? Will you? You have wings of STEEL. No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you. It's entirely possible that YOU don't even know the real you. You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale - disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and your true wings will be revealed. Until then you will deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter silence and acceptance. On the positive side, you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not much can crack through your defences. You intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why you're the way you are. A loner and one who spends”
