Best Toilet Thoughts

407 Toilet quotes by 303 unique authors

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it.… — Erma Bombeck
I wondered if the fire had been out to get me. I wondered if all fire was related, like Dad said all humans were related,… — Jeannette Walls
Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or… — Joanne Kathleen Rowling
My daughter is seven, and some of the other second-grade parents complain that their children don't read for pleasure. When I visit their homes, the… — Anne Fadiman
And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't… — Bill Cosby
Timmy, who made a daring escape, also made a mistake of paying the taxi driver with a check made out of toilet paper. — Janet Frame
It's the mortal cup Jace, not the mortal toilet bowl. — Cassandra Clare
Do you have someone watching her house?” (Stephanie) “That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We’re so underbudgeted we’re one step away from… — Janet Evanovich
Teddy said it was a hat, So I put it on. Now dad is saying, "where the heck's the toilet plunger gone? — Shel Silverstein
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. — Andy Rooney
It's a stark thought that when we die most of us will leave behind uneaten biscuits, unused coffee, half toilet rolls, half cartons of milk… — Steven Hall
I remember one time I heard this English professor asking the class what the world's scariest noise is. Is it a man crying out in… — Harlan Coben
All that matters to me is the man in front of me right now. (Tory) I’m not a man, Soteria. (Acheron) I know. But if… — Sherrilyn Kenyon
Martin Luther dreamed up Protestantism while sitting on the toilet at Wittenburg monastery, and we know what a big movement that became. — Anton Szandor LaVey
Carter pulled out several lengths of brown twine, a small ebony cat statue, and a thick roll of paper. No, not paper. Papyrus. I remember… — Rick Riordan
There’s nothing here,” Carter said. “What do you want?” I asked. “We’ve got wax, some toilet papyrus, an ugly statue. — Rick Riordan
Could I just use the loo?” I asked the nice officer. “No.” She closed the door in my face, As if I might rig an… — Rick Riordan
The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if… — Chuck Palahniuk
He wanted to go running home to Mommy, what can I say? Of course, it's hard for me to believe that anyone would choose to… — Michael Grant
Tell me something, Adron. Sometime you’ve never shared with anyone else. Not even Thia. (Livia) I’m the one who glued Zarina to the toilet seat… — Sherrilyn Kenyon
A long white ribbon shot out of the crack in the wall. The ribbon just kept coming, weaving itself into some kind of shape next… — Rick Riordan
Is there a phone I can use? (Talon) In the kitchen. (Sunshine) Could you please bring it to me? (Talon) It’s not cordless. I always… — Sherrilyn Kenyon
As with marathon runs and lengths of toilet paper, there had to be standards to measure up to. — Haruki Murakami
The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet. — Eoin Colfer
Restrooms at gas stations were an unpleasant and shocking surprise; I had never considered the serious drawbacks of such lazily-cleaned rooms. I was completely unable… — Rachel Caine

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