Robert Orben Quotes

75 quotes in 902 categories

• A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
• Individuality' is the key to success.
• A compliment is verbal sunshine.
• I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
• Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.
• Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.
• The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
• Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
• New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
• We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
• Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
• What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
• A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key…
• Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
• Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
• A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
• Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
• To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
• Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

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