Red Skelton Quotes

39 quotes in 573 categories

• I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So…
• I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested…
• I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
• Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
• I just want to be known as a clown, because to me that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything—sing, dance…
• Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?
• People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although,…
• I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose…
• Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.
• I only come to life when there are people watching.
• You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
• I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.
• Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
• God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.
• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
• She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
• Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

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