All Paula Poundstone Quotes
- I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Account
- I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and… Children
- I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. Bag
- The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer. Animal
- The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. Death
- When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives… Every High
- My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,… Boat
- I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do. Alabama
- Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home… Cat
- I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes… Always Land
- I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do,… Care
- I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it. Act
- I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California. Alaska
- There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them. Foods
- When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome. Bungee
- When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for… Al
- I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night… All
- I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying… Ago
- I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go… Babysat
- It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are… Act
- Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. Adult
- The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. Death
- The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. Animals
- Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.' Beat
- When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the… Cut