John Mulaney Quotes

15 quotes in 271 categories

• In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
• If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.
• It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were…
• Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.
• Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken
• Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like…
• All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.
• You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have…
• I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny…
• As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but…
• The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
• Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different…
• I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to…
• The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four…
• You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

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