I just try to live a moderate life of always checking and trying to be the best person I can be and… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, "It goes in the girl if… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that "back to school" feeling ingrained in me so that… — Jen Kirkman August Copy Share Image
“I do not like being called “young” by someone who is only a couple of years older than I am, because what… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first. — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I'm not like Woody Allen like, "Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh." I'm just high-strung. So I do… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
“I grew up on a solid diet of The Golden Girls. It wasn’t just a sitcom to me—it was a blueprint for… — Jen Kirkman Golden girls Copy Share Image
“The bottom line is that the choices we make often make sense to us but can confuse others. Somebody is always going… — Jen Kirkman Bottom line Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to… — Jen Kirkman Kids Copy Share Image
Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most… — Jen Kirkman Being Copy Share Image
It's like, "Women can't handle things because they're always sad. That's estrogen." Men brag about testosterone, which makes them completely out of… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really… — Jen Kirkman Ambitious Copy Share Image
We've seen a kind of Donald Trump supporter on steroids, like the hate-crime people. Those people, I don't want to see, like… — Jen Kirkman Crime Copy Share Image
I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves. — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
My mother was like, "What did they teach you?", and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out. — Jen Kirkman Education Copy Share Image
I'm just going to go to schools and give inspirational speeches about our bodies. I'll just wear flowing dresses and talk way… — Jen Kirkman Body Copy Share Image
The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have… — Jen Kirkman Child Copy Share Image
A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
My rule is if one person says it, a thousand people want to say it. That goes for compliments too. I try… — Jen Kirkman Balance Copy Share Image
If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I did buy a new piece of furniture so it's like, "Oh, that's something new." But generally my goals are made in… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
Actually, my friendships are changing because my friends have kids, so that's a new aspect to the material. Not just that I… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I'd also talk about the period and of course all the different gender things that people might feel that they are. I'd… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion. — Jen Kirkman Being Copy Share Image
I have no choice sometimes, but there's something about being alone. When I'm alone I might not speak for 24 hours, but… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome… — Jen Kirkman Butterscotch Copy Share Image
I try to minimize the noise, and I don't use Facebook except for my fan page, and I don't look at anything.… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
“improv and child rearing are not so different. Both are jobs that people volunteer for and complain about endlessly, and they bore… — Jen Kirkman Child rearing Copy Share Image
Even if it's L.A. and it's warmer, we're not supposed to be revving up right now. I don't like everyone's energy around… — Jen Kirkman Energy Copy Share Image
“Sadly, I can’t say that I’ve grown out of my urges to do things because I think that technically, if I were… — Jen Kirkman Photography Copy Share Image
“Death is like getting a ride to the airport. Sure, someone can escort you to the curb, but it’s against the law/laws… — Jen Kirkman Death Copy Share Image
Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the… — Jen Kirkman Best way Copy Share Image
I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
My nana was always a widow as long as I was alive; my grandfather died before I was born. All the women… — Jen Kirkman Alive Copy Share Image
In terms of what happened to Amy [Schumer], if that happened to me I would be like, "Yes, please leave." But I… — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
![“My mother was like, "What did they teach you?", and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out.” quote by Jen Kirkman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/024/jen-kirkman-2547_education_my-mother-was-like-what-did-they-teach-y_1235896.jpg)
![“Even if it's L.A. and it's warmer, we're not supposed to be revving up right now. I don't like everyone's energy around [winter] time of year.” quote by Jen Kirkman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/581/jen-kirkman-2547_energy_even-if-it-s-l-a-and-it-s-warmer-we-re-n_1797406.jpg)
![“In terms of what happened to Amy [Schumer], if that happened to me I would be like, "Yes, please leave." But I toured a lot. I started as an opening feature act touring a lot during the [George W.] Bush years, like around 2007. I was touring during the [Barack] Obama election - the first one with…” quote by Jen Kirkman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/23e/jen-kirkman-2547_amy_in-terms-of-what-happened-to-amy-schumer_2661204.jpg)