Jack Benny Quotes

20 quotes in 261 categories

• My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder,…
• I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
• Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
• Gags die, humor doesn't.
• Modesty is my best quality.
• Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
• I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go…
• It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
• I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
• A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
• I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never…
• If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
• Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.
• I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
• I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
• I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars,…
• Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
• A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
• I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

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