Groucho Marx

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

— Groucho Marx

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

— Groucho Marx

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

— Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

— Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

— Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

— Groucho Marx

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

— Groucho marx

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

— Groucho Marx

“Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head…

— Groucho Marx

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

— Groucho Marx

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

— Groucho Marx

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read…

— Groucho Marx

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”

— Groucho Marx

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

— Groucho Marx

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.”

— Groucho Marx

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

— Groucho Marx

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

— Groucho Marx

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge

— Groucho Marx

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

— Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

— Groucho Marx

That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

— Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

— Groucho Marx

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

— Groucho Marx

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

— Groucho Marx

“Once I put it down I couldn't pick it back up.”

— Groucho Marx

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

— Groucho Marx

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

— Groucho Marx

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

— Groucho Marx

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

— Groucho Marx

What have future generations ever done for us?

— Groucho Marx

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

— Groucho Marx

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

— Groucho Marx

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces

— Groucho Marx

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

— Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

— Groucho Marx

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

— Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

— Groucho Marx

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

— Groucho Marx

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

— Groucho Marx