Evan Esar

The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

— Evan Esar

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.

— Evan Esar

The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook--and isn't.

— Evan Esar

Children grow out of childhood, but parents never grow out of parenthood.

— Evan Esar

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

— Evan Esar

Times change: it was once the custom to take a bath weekly and religion daily.

— Evan Esar

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit.

— Evan Esar

“Many a man who falls in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.”

— Evan Esar

“Let those who want to, arrive Let those who want to, leave Let those who want to, stay With out harm to…

— Evan Esar

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.

— Evan Esar

Many a husband lives to regret the extravagant fee he bestowed upon the minister who sentenced him.

— Evan Esar

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

— Evan Esar

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out…

— Evan Esar

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

— Evan Esar

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from…

— Evan Esar

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

— Evan Esar

The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

— Evan Esar

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.

— Evan Esar

“Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings”

— Evan Esar

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.

— Evan Esar

Somebody is always doing something that somebody else said couldn't be done.

— Evan Esar

All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.

— Evan Esar

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

— Evan Esar

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.

— Evan Esar

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.

— Evan Esar

Many an actor does the stage more ham than good.

— Evan Esar

A girl never cares who casts the first stone at her -- as long as it's a diamond

— Evan Esar

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.

— Evan Esar

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

— Evan Esar

The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.

— Evan Esar

The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams

— Evan Esar

There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.

— Evan Esar

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.

— Evan Esar

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

— Evan Esar

Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.

— Evan Esar

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.

— Evan Esar

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired [talking].

— Evan Esar

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.

— Evan Esar

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.

— Evan Esar

When laziness attacks a woman, it always avoids her tongue.

— Evan Esar