Alan Coren Quotes

23 quotes in 428 categories

• I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
• English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope…
• Can anything match that first fine discovery of the telephone and all it stood for? That first realization that, contained within ten simple digits, lay…
• Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come
• To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
• Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it…
• The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to…
• Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
• Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
• All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
• Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
• A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make…
• In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are…
• Disneyworld...is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic…
• The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety…
• Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder , which can be briefly translated as "The best way to own a Mercedes…
• Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic...being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why…
• Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
• Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.
• I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

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