“Why am I so fucked up? Please. Someone explain to me. Why do I want to hurt myself? To be in self-inflicted pain? Why can I still not be around broken glass? Why, oh fuckit, why have I not cut in so long, but Im crying because I want to. I need to. I just feel so fucking empty inside. Im scared. So scared that in the next while Im going to relapse. Fuckit, where the fuck am I going? Ive started seeing things and hearing things that arent there, that dont exist. Its getting worse. Im battling to tell what is my dreams and what is reality. I dream about conversations, and I think they actually happened. I dream everything is better. I wake up in the morning and I want to cry because Im still alive. Sometimes I do cry. I cant remember what it feels like to be okay anymore. I dont remember what its like to be happy. Someone, please, tell me what happiness feels like!? Because I dont even know. I feel like there is an actual hole inside of me - and it fucking hurts. I want to curl up and just¦ I dont even fucking know. I want to cut so bad where I went dizzy and couldnt see straight. Im losing my mind. Apart from hearing or seeing things, I forget where I am. I just randomly stop and am like WTF. Where am I? And I dont recognize people. And this is the first time Im saying this. And I cant say it aloud. Im so scared for relapse.”
