I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
