I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Each week, we might write 500 jokes for 'Weekend Update,' and ultimately, we can only do about 10. — Colin Jost Copy Share Image
In Chicago, I'd audition 3-4 times a week, but when I got out to L.A., there were, like, 4-5 a day, and… — Jacob Zachar Copy Share Image
“Expanding your notion of fun beyond a two-week vacation in Maui increases the chances you'll have more of it.” — Karen Karbo Copy Share Image
For the third time this week, I saw my girlfriend with another man. To be fair, we've never met and she doesn't… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
A Christian man should so shine in his life, that a person could not live with him a week without knowing the… — Charles Spurgeon Copy Share Image
In the lead-up to 'The Survivalist,' I saw a trainer five times a week, and I'd run an hour a day. — Mia Goth Copy Share Image
The president's dead, no one can find his head, its been missing for two weeks. But no one seemed to notice it. — Lou Reed Copy Share Image
Can you imagine what five or 10 dollars was like in 1925? In those days, you could get room and board for… — Scatman Crothers Copy Share Image
There is only one thing I want. I would like to be seriously ill, and to hear nothing more about him for… — Eva Braun Copy Share Image
Chicken... I am a black man, we love our chicken, but I don't eat it anymore. My genotype means I don't process… — Larry Fitzgerald Copy Share Image
That's why I have to be a fiction writer, because I can't remember what just happened or where I went last week… — Bonnie Jo Campbell Copy Share Image
What a welcome change to feel like someone is running the country instead of running it into the ground. President Obama has… — Jack Cafferty Copy Share Image
As they say, one thing led to another, and, ultimately, the British and Irish governments asked me to serve as chairman of… — George J. Mitchell Copy Share Image
I go to the gym rather early with a workout pal. I get there at 7, or a little before, and do… — Johnny Mathis Copy Share Image
I played the British Open in 1937. It took a week to get there and a week to get home. I was… — Byron Nelson Copy Share Image
Growing up, my dad owned a restaurant in Washington, DC, and food was something I was passionate about. But when I finally… — David Chang Copy Share Image
I took some voice lessons here and there as a teenager but nothing too serious. I started taking it more seriously when… — Lea Salonga Copy Share Image
Since time is the one immaterial object which we cannot influence - neither speed up nor slow down, add to nor diminish… — Maya Angelou Copy Share Image
The median family of four ... paid $4,722 in federal taxes last year. That's enough to pay for a new curtain for… — Alan Bock Copy Share Image
I've been moving a little to the music while I worked ...and then I realize I am actually dancing. It feels wonderful,… — Mark Doty Copy Share Image
I'm very interested in fashion shows. For me they're at the center of everything. What happens on the side, that's the energy… — Garance Dore Copy Share Image
Work hard and follow your dreams. I work nine and a half hours a day, five days a week; it's a lot… — Lizzy Greene Copy Share Image
We rehearsed for a bit for an Indie film, which is kind of unusual, we had a week of rehearsals before we… — Duncan Jones Copy Share Image
I'm a Brit and I just put myself on tape, back in London, for a very distant American project that I thought… — Samuel Barnett Copy Share Image
